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Monday, April 25, 2005
did we make a big mistake? but then again no one can go through life without making a mistake. it all depends on how we deal with it and handle the regret-if any. there are some mistakes that just pass me by.i mean i made a boo boo i will pick myself up and carry on. whats the big deal. there is no permanent scar and it is not going to haunt me in my sleep. but what about the mistakes that do. is it really possible to just pretend they never happened and move on? or do i have to deal with it? i hate dealing with it. i never know what to say or how to even express myself properly sometimes and then it comes out all wrong and i wish i had shut up in the first place. and thats why i do. just shut up about alot of things and let them be as they are. i mean if i don't like it then too bad for me. right? after all we all have to learn to adjust and make do with what we have. why why why? why wasnt i born a fighter? why do i have to be such a pushover sometimes. i hate it. and then when i try to push myself to be a fighter, i come out of the battle wounded and unable to heal. and alot of things that happen to me are stuffed inside. a deep place within me. and i dont think anyone will ever find the key to unlock me. the thousands of layers and truly understand where i am coming from. who will have the patience? sometimes i am lost myself. like just so confused about what the right thing is. there are so many ways things can be debated nowadays. the guilty get away innocent. everything is about perspective. how we look at things. how we choose to interpret it. and it has become such an ugly place. when i was a kid eveyrthing was so simple. not a worry on my mind. childishly carefree. my aunt told me last year that shafia is sharper and much more aware of situations comapred to me presently. mind u i am 11 years older than her.my dad once told me that maybe he should not have sheltered me so much when i was growing up. and then maybe i would have been stronger.emotionally. we used to have these really long talks when i was younger. i would be crying in my room and my mum would always somehow know. he always told me that everything will be ok. and that is the idealistic world i live in. that sometimes no matter how bad a fall is, i will be ok and yes everything will get better. maybe it does pay to be a lil optimistic nowadays. but in reality we need a plan. to find a way to change things rather than just hope for it to get better. we have to work. work on so many things. work on getting there.wherever there is for you. work on relationships. work on self image. work on keeping yourself going. not to loose hope. and not to loose faith. my mum has strong faith. and i wish i did too sometimes. no matter what happens to her she believes that God did it for a reason. to teach her something. to show her something. to answer her questions. and that gives her the strength to carry on.her strong belief. she believes in me too. believes that i make people happy generally. she told me that in life i would probably not get what i really want but the people around me will. she thinks i am a beauty like a walking live doll. (which i know i am so not!) and that i am really smart and all but then again maybe every mother loooks at her daughters that way. the princesses!what i hate is that australia is not all that i expected it to be.ok that was totally out of context but then again so what. it's my blog and i can be random and out of point whenever i want to! not like i am writing an all important essay or blergh. anyhooos, as i was saying..the aussie thang... i mean i never expected the work to be easy or anything and yes their method of teaching and all is different but the thing is that i am kinda accustomed to the singaporean way. some might say it is bollacks that like singapore is a mugging thing and all becoz some subjects are just like that. but like even for math modules, they dont just differentiate or do this and that. they actually derive it, tell u what u are calculating and why this is that and such nots. i mean i do remember sir teaching all that stuff initially but then there was no time and all so he stuck to the imp bits. other than that i love singapore for its efficiency! i mean there is the occasional hints of racism and what nots in general but it is inevitable i guess. argh another day! i can't wait to go for exchange. kinda. part of me is excited but part of me hopes i do not get it and stay in melb where i have settled and have a job and what nots. but if i do go, i will push myself to put myself out there.out of my comfort zone.to gain the experience and the knowledge that comes along with it. i guess it will be easier now becoz i am more confident and well yeah just hope it all goes well. argh i am supposed to be doing business finance! one more lecture for the day! and i have a 9am class...fluttering butterflies!.... i need to sleep... TV: u r no-one until someone loves uMe*thinking*: doesnt that mean we are someone from the day we are born becoz our mummy and daddy loves us? hah.
because i said so! Nadz at
3:48 PM
