Sunflowers N Sunshine

Sunday, August 07, 2005

after such a tiring day, i thought i would sleep easy. then again whenever i expect to get a good night in, i never do. i don't even know why i am awake. i am so tired. today was hmm. i am not sure. it was eventful? but then again somewhat incomplete. and the thing is that i have no idea why. ( OH MY GOD, IT IS SO MUCH EASIER TO RAMBLE WITH THIS USER FRIENDLY KEYBOARD :) ) ok where was i? i have a feeling that this is going to be yet another long entry that doesn't get much attention but as the others, i do not really care. i feel myself getting numb to alot that happens nowadays and i think that is casuing many many problems. it is not that i am not happy or that i am pretending to be happy. being with people that make me happy make me happy. makes sense doesn't it? it is just times like this that bring me down. times when i have too much time to think and nothing to do. that is one thing i hate about not being in melbourne. i mean it is not like i am constantly busy in melbourne but i go into this questioning mode less often. maybe it is the surrondings in general. or maybe it is just me. i feel like i have grown so much as compared to me in secondary school. but there are some things that i have learnt that i wish i never did. things that i wish i didn't have to know and acknowledge. time and again, i tell myself to change my ways. but before long, i am back to my bad habits. old habits die hard. true. i was looking through my box . a nike shoe box stuffed with randomness and rubbish. and i found my school photos. in pri 6. sec 1. sec 3 and sec 4. boy did i go through them stages! showed the pictures to khalid and he said that if i was his daughter in pri 6, he wouldn't love me! boo hoo! oh well. i do admit i looked urgh. just horrible. nadia pre and post crescent are totally different people. i left with so much more confidence. way better student. eager to succedd. i had the drive. and i dont know if it would be fair to blame jc for wearing me out. i had a ball in jc. passed in a flash but i learnt alot. most of my life lessons were learnt during and after jc. that was when i became a lil bitchier. well i guess as one is exposed to the realities of life becoming a lil more harsh and shrewd is inevitable. then again many think that it is still not within me. oh well. it has it's moments. pause. i do not even know what the aim or main idea of this entry is. it is just what i am thinking. which is why i cannot sleep. i just don't even understnad myself sometimes. i always remind myself about the feeling of regret when i do not go through with somethin as i had initially planned but time and again i chicken out. i must learn to have the guts. i am getting the butterflies and what nots about going on exchange. i do not know if i am even ready. i mean what have i gotten myself into. but i guess this will be an important test. to prove to myself that i am capable of anything and everything i put my mind to. there is no running away from it now. i have no other choice but to go ahead with it. it excites me but also makes me feel like peeing in my pants. weee finally the sleep is starting to kick in. happy national day folks. my fellow singaporeans!

because i said so! Nadz at
6:53 PM